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I’m not sure if I should start out with I’m sorry, if it’s going to sound more honest before or after the explanation. I don’t want it to be thought of as you know, ‘an excuse’ it’s not. I mean I know I have no right. None, but I think/know YOU all have the right to know facts, for once, forever, so this is what I’m going to try to do. It’s a year late and it’s lame and I am apparently beating around the bush so I guess I should stop. Okay. In order to make this as LITTLE of a plea for mercy as possible, because you should feel no obligation or anything. Anger I expect, hurt, disrespect, hate even, I know it’s deserved, I just want to clear that up. And I will take it all, but I just don’t want it directed at anyone but me. No one deserves crap about this than me because it was me who started it. I should’ve ended it a long time ago. A smart friend told me so and I didn’t do it and I regret that, the whole thing I’d say but I know if I didn’t do it at all I might not have met some amazing people and I’d regret that too.

Fact: is college student,
Fiction: boy

There’s the first thing, not a boy, a lot of people called it/ have at this point. I have wanted to be a boy ever since my brother showcased his height over me and later when I thought boys were cooler and even later when being a girl just didn’t make sense to me, still doesn’t. Not excuse, just a fact. Not a boy. I thought, if I can’t really be a boy, maybe I can pretend to be one, what’s the harm as long as I’m honest about everything else? Mistake? Yeah I know. It starts with one lie x.x

I’m sorry about the computer faces, I’m really….it may be stupid but I feel sometimes they really express a feeling???

It was a freshman year of weirdness and first year away and millions of other kids just let loose and live and deal with the punches as they come but I couldn’t handle it, obviously, and ended up making a whole world for myself, yes, myself. It was selfish/is selfish, and completely unfair and no, I didn’t view it that way at the time. I’m horrible for doing this but I can honestly say—however that may be taken now—I care about the people I met, cared, and still care. Still caring is what made it so hard to one: leave, two: figure it how to do it, and three: apologize when I realized what a huge mistake it had been. The faked death was dumb and yes, way too over the top. I had no idea what to do but I couldn’t keep lying, but I thought if I told the people I liked I’d been lying it would blow up even worse, and then, being an absolute dumbass and not really weighting what it meant, I did what I did and a lot of people paid for it that shouldn’t have.

This is an apology but it’s not a very good one >< I know. It’s weird because while all I wanted at the time was to disappear, to start being real, it’s obvious I couldn’t do that without fixing the lies, but I’m immature and I know that, and made stupid, immature choices in things a lot wiser people would’ve done better. Younger or older it’s not a difference, or even boy or girl, I know everyone I know and love would’ve done this better than me because they wouldn’t have lied in the first place. I’ve been TAUGHT not to lie, but I’ve lied A LOT in my life and it’s not compulsive, but I wonder sometimes. In any case, it is all my fault. I know that. And it’s inexcusable, I’m not asking for that or forgiveness or a smile. I’d really NOT like you to beat up on me but I do know THAT and MORE are deserved and so while I won’t say I want you to, because the real me is not that …Buddhist? I will say I know what I’m due and I want to give you all the chance to say anything at all, to flame me, to tell me anything, or tell me nothing, because I know I deserve that too, nothing. Nothing because I ended up able to give nothing because it wasn’t ME even though I WANTED that to be me. I let it get way out of hand and then lost control. I don’t know how else to say ‘fucked it up’ but I know there are many ways to say it. I know I did. I hate that I did. I hate what I’ve done to people and I have no way to repair it properly, because I can’t give that time back and I can’t give back all that effort they/you gave, all that time. I want to offer to try now, as real me, but I know that may not appeal to anyone, most people. I can say that if I were on the other side, I’d be wary at best. I would be honored and blessed---I don’t use that word lightly because I know it’s a little dramatic but it seems like the only one I can use here???---to have the second chance, though undeserving.

the.castle.in.the.air@gmail.com

Everything will be replied to, but if iI am slow please don't think I've ignored you, I promise I haven't. A lot of credit a promise frm a liar, I know but, I mean it and can prove it by replying to anythihng all, as I promise I will, and it's the only proof I can give. If I am slow this week it is because of midterms but after this week I should be able to answer everything on the day it is sent, everything. Everything, anything, unless you tell me it’s just what you want to say and would rather I not reply. I want to do my best to respect you as I didn’t do properly before and give what little I can. It’s not a lot at all and it’s not enough. I can’t even say it’s ‘something’. It’s just not ‘nothing’ I guess. I want to tell you the love part was real, the laughing, the exchanges, the sweetness, and I want you to believe it because it’s true, for whatever twisted way that sounds. The me who IS me loved the honest you because you were all more willing and grown up than me to give me real yous. I know it should be given, and I’m probably an anomaly of fuck-up but I mean this the most. I would like to do what can be done. I don’t want to hurt anyone more than anyone already has. I want to do what I can to make amends if that is even possible, and if not, just give you as much as possible, because it’s all I can think of. I know friendship can’t be bought.

I figured, and you can tell, no one would want the real me. I know, very emo teen. I was, still am sometimes, but I have it better under control. Anyways this is sort of about me but it’s mostly about you, about how I owe you, how I wronged you, how I would and will do anything I can do right things for you as impossible and dumb as I sound. You may not want to give me the chance and that is entirely understandable. I’m a freak and a risk and so unbelievably stupid. I don’t know anyone else who would’ve messed this up as badly as I did. I’m kind of glad of that though since it probably means I’m the only one you have to worry about ever getting this insanity from. I’m sorry. I’m sorry more than can be typed here and a lot more than you probably want to or should have to read, but I don’t know how to make this sincere. I’m just taking a friend’s advice, a steady and unbelievable set of friends in fact and telling the truth, it’s a rambling truth but it is the truth. I’m so far from who Riyu was supposed to be I think in a lot of ways. He was the idea of what I wanted to be: perfectly imperfect, and I wanted to REALLY be him, and it thrilled me to be able to make people smile and laugh and to have friends. I depended on my friends, but I realize I don’t have the right to call you that of course. So…people I always considered friends? I don’t know. But anyway, I just want to be clear, but I feel like this is really not clear.

LSKJFLSD But my intent is to tell you, I’m here. I’m sorry. I know what I’ve done and I am in no way proud of it. I’m ashamed and when I think about it, I feel sick and want to cry because it was just so stupid of me. I hate that because I lied, because I made that huge fuss, because I had no inch of maturity, I lost, maybe forever, a bunch of people I not only liked, but admired, and like I said, selfishly, depended on. I’ve been lucky enough to have people wait out with me my supreme idiocy and dumbness and still stand by me. I don’t know how they do it. I can’t ask for something like that, as much as I want it. I love my friends though. I know it may hold no ground after the horrible actions I’ve done but I say it only now because it’s absolutely still true. I think about, care about, hope about this. I’m really weird and stupid a lot and just as clumsy as the ‘riyu’ but again, he isn’t me. I still have moments where I wish I was him. Main reason being it wouldn’t have been a lie. But it was all a lie except for how I feel and felt about the people I met and who supported me with amazing hearts through a horrible time. Just because it was a horrible time now, doesn’t mean I’m justifying here, I’m not. But again I want you to have the facts. I will NOT however bog you down with details you are by no means held to anymore. It’s not your job or obligation or anything to have to read me being all ‘well this and that happened and it was…’ that sort of thing. You know? I have bothered you enough, done enough damage. I want to fix it. This is the beginning, even if I can’t fix it it’s the beginning of SOMETHING and I owe you all more than something, owe you a lot.


This is already way too long but still not enough. I guess I shouldn’t keep you here any longer. I have disabled comments here because, yes, I’m scared, very scared, and two, I want this to be between you and me, whoever wants to. I don’t want it to be something anyone else has to deal with anymore. It’s my fault, my problem, my job to talk to anyone who might want to or not even want to but knows they deserve more, and have specific questions and everything. I want to answer, to be there the way I never was, but again, it’s me and you and it’s about me not asking for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it, but me telling you what I can, what you want or need to know, and not anyone else.

I want to ask that what we do share in emails stays between us but I know I don’t deserve that privilege of privacy anymore at all. I’m still asking because I’m still a coward and still growing up, but if you do want to tell the world some more or anything, I know I have no place to stop you. I won’t. I’m sorry. And I’m still here, and bits of who I WANTED to be, the parts of him I wanted to be, they’re still here too. I’m trying to work on them. I guess it starts here and maybe those can be parts of me someday too. I mean this all, I mean it from the tips of my toes to the top of my spine and I mean it with every comment we might or might not have ever exchanged and I mean it with the complete regret of someone who knows she’s made a historically explosive mistake and knows the last thing she can or is deserving to do is take it back. I in no way think this is courageous or righteous to come forward so long after and only in light of anexplosion, no I don't. It's even more cowardly than if I'd confessed all that time ago, and it's immature and I CAN'T prove I won't do it again, but I won't, and to say and prove as I go on is the best I can do in that regard since I can't 'prove' how i live from now on. But I won't be anyone but myself and I know this is stupid and lame beyond its usual defnition and I know I don't deserve anything, so if there is no response, I understand, or if there is huge anger and all I understand too but I know I'm not even being half decent, I'm doing what SHOULD have been done long ago if I had half a spine and while I'm working on that right now, I'm still you know, not with a spine yet so yeah....I keep rambling. I guess I mean it's because I can't say 'i'm sorry' enough ways or in the right way, it's too awful what I did, have done, but here it is, whatever this is, and for what it may or may not be worth. Write me if you want, or not, I'm here though.

I am sorry and I don’t know what else to say right now, except I had no idea how to end this, and it's dumb of me, but here it is.
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